How to calm your fearful lizard brain and live life to the fullest

How to calm your fearful lizard brain and live life to the fullestHow to calm your fearful lizard brain and live life to the fullestHeather Hansenis an acclaimed trial lawyer, keynotlagee speaker, andNext Big Idea Club member whose latest book isThe Elegant Warrior How to Win Lifes Trials Without Losing Yourself. Heather recently sat down with Next Big Idea Club Marketing DirectorMarquina Iliev-Pisellito discuss why fear is so persuasive, and what it means to become a truly elegant warrior.This conversation has been edited and condensed. To listen to the full version, click the link here.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreMarquinaHow did you come about writingThe Elegant Warrior?HeatherI defend doctors in medical malpractice cases, and I was having a difficult time standing up for myself, setting boundaries, and using my voice in my real life. But I was so good at it in the courtro om, so I realized that if I used the tools from the courtroom in real life, it would be a whole lot easier. Once that clicked for me, I felt that it would be of service if I shared it with other people.MarquinaThe book follows your career trajectory, and I like how instead of Fake it til you make it, you say, Show it til you grow it. Youre the embodiment of that.HeatherSo often we hear Fake it til you make it. And I know from counseling clients on how to testify that if theyre being fake, the jury knows it immediately. Then youve lost credibility, and youve lost your case.But if you can find that little piece inside of you that you aspire to be- whether its confidence, or kindness, or happiness when youre feeling blue, or the ability to speak in front of a crowd- when you find that little piece and you show it, it does tend to feed off the oxygen you give it, and then it is allowed to grow.MarquinaCould you talk about what you mean when you say that we are the elegant warrior in our lives?HeatherThe word elegance comes from a Latin root that means to choose. I think that we choose our elegance, and the definition is a little bit different for everyone. For me, its the ability to be true to yourself, both who you are now and who you feel destined to be- and to do that, no matter what youre facing.The word elegance comes from a Latin root that means to choose.As a trial lawyer, I know that trials get very heated. And during times of trial, its tempting to be all warrior and lose the elegance, or go for elegance and not fight the war. Finding that balance is a constant struggle for me, but if I can stay true to who I am, then I know that I can look myself in the mirror at the end of a trial, no matter whether I win or lose the case.MarquinaYou also talk about how you respect the other council, even though you dont agree, and theyre quite irritating at times.HeatherYeah, that is so important to me- and not just the other council, but also the other party, because we all have different versions of a story. Studies show that within minutes of being told a story, you and I will have different versions of that story. So at trial, I feel that I can argue with their truth without taking their dignity. When I cross-examine someone, I might want the jury to think that their version of the story is not the correct one, but I dont have to disrespect them, or make them look bad, or make them feel bad. I work really hard not to do that.Sometimes the party themselves will realize, Oh, maybe I was wrong. But most of the time, its up to the jury. Its such a good lesson to binnensee that I have a story, opposing council has a different story, and ultimately the jury chooses whats true. It shows thatthe stories we tell ourselves- whether its in your own head or in your relationships- are not always true. Theres often a different perspective to look at, and thats been really helpful when Im feeling down, or frustrated, or like a failure. Theres always a diffe rent version of the story that you can tell yourself.MarquinaYou have three chapters on objections learning to object, overcoming objections, and when we should stop looking for objections. You focus on that last one the most- is there a reason behind that?HeatherYeah, because its such a big part of life, especially for women. We women are really good at advocating for others in our lives, but not so good at advocating for ourselves. Learning that we can object without getting permission, and not looking for validation, but just because were uncomfortable with something, is imperative.Learning that we can object without getting permission, and not looking for validation, but just because were uncomfortable with something, is imperative.Sometimes other people are going to say, Youre too young, youre too old, youre too female, youre too black, youre too anything. And then theres the most damaging of all- your own inner objections that say, Youre not smart enough, youre not old enough, youre not experienced enough. Those are the things that hold us back the most.Dont spend your life looking for objections. Ive been on Fox, MSNBC, and CNN, so I see both sides of political arguments, and I think that were often looking for reasons to be offended. If youre looking for objections, youre going to find them- but if you do it every chance you get, you might miss out on some fun, and some laughter, and some connection. So its about finding that balance between setting your boundaries and knowing when you need to object.MarquinaAbsolutely. Theres a chapter about the curse of knowledge. Could you tell me what that means?HeatherI read about a Stanford study where participants tapped a tune with a pencil, and saw whether or not a listener could guess what the tune was. fruchtwein of the time, they cant- but the person tapping, who knows the song, gets frustrated because the listener doesnt know it. The person whos tapping has the curse of knowledge- they know the song so wel l that its hard to remember what its like not to know it.I have defended hospital doctors for 20 years, so Ive seen firsthand how doctors have the curse of knowledge. They talk about vascular doctors instead of blood doctors, or they talk about total knee arthroplasty instead of a total knee replacement- that curse of knowledge really gets in the way of communication.The best way to overcome the curse of knowledge is to ask questions.And we all have it. We have it about our own thoughts and our own bodies- we just assume that other people know things. I would do that all the time with my boyfriend- you assume that he knows youve had a bad day, or that you want a certain gift. But theres a study showing that trial lawyers need to say things seven times in seven ways before the jury really gets it. And its true in your personal life too- when your boyfriend or husband is not getting it, youve just got to say it again in a different way.The best way to overcome the curse of knowledge i s to ask questions. I dont get to ask my jury, Is this making sense to you? Do you understand this? Do you have questions? But in real life, you do get to do that.MarquinaOne of the last chapters is about managing your lizard brain. Can you talk about that a bit?HeatherIts fascinating- when I was a younger attorney, a book came out for attorneys who sue, and its about how you should get the jurors thinking about their own survival. Whether its a dangerous product or a dangerous doctor, you want the jury to think, Oh my gosh, I have to protect myself and my family from this thing Thats feeding the lizard brain.There are some people that believe theres a part of our brain at the brain stem thats concerned with what they call the three Fs food, fear, and reproduction (the bad F word). And thats the part of the brain that needs to be put to rest- youve got to tell it that its safe.Its sort of like how inBig Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how if her fear was in the car with her, it wouldnt be allowed to drive the car. It wouldnt be allowed to give the directions, it wouldnt even be allowed to control the radio. But its still allowed in the car- it just has to sit in the back seat.Thats how I think about the lizard brain- let it sit out in the sun. Once it knows that its safe, you can go on to creativity and love and connection and laughter and joy and all of the things that were meant to be doing.This article originally appeared on Heleo.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people